The Bidding War for Baby Jesus

One pleasant afternoon in Tucson about six months ago, Debbie’s phone rang. It was, of course, Kristin, inquiring as to what Debbie was up to. Debbie explained that she was sitting on the curb in front of her house Googling the cost of toilet seats.

(Note: Debbie cannot afford regular Internet service and must resort to “borrowing” an open signal from someone named Ted. The signal, being a bit weak, normally manages to stretch itself across Simpson Street, but most of the time is unable to clear the sidewalk. Despite this minor inconvenience, Debbie wholeheartedly thanks Ted and the underappreciated population of people who choose to keep their wireless accounts open. Someday, providing she has hurdled the post-collegiate swamp of financial stress, she will reciprocate).

“Oh,” Kristin said. “Is your toilet seat broken?” It was a logical question.

“No, I want to paint one. I got the idea from my neighbor. Wanna come over and paint toilet seats with me?”

Kristin first laughed and made fun of Debbie. Then she asked a couple of logistical questions. What kinds of things would we be painting on the toilet seats? What kind of paint would be appropriate for such an endeavor? Would we be painting the part you sit on? Or just the lids? In the end, it took a full thirty seconds for Kristin to get on board with the project. And this is one of the many reasons why we are friends.

Home Depot sells a basic Bemis Value toilet seat (round and approximately 16.5” long) for $4.77. This is the cheapest we have found, and definitely the best bang for its buck. The Bemis Value “R” is a handsome toilet seat, made of solid materials. It is not made of lame plastic on the verge of buckling. Indeed, a grown person could stand on the Bemis Value “R” without any fear at all of breaking it.

This is where our adventures in toilet seat painting begin—with a blank $4.77 porcelain canvas, nothing but a vision bubbling in some remote corner of our creative brains, and a weekend afternoon with nothing much to do.

Our first painted toilet seats were learning experiences. We experimented with different paints, different glues, and pictures on different kinds of paper, which we lacquered to the lids. Kristin’s first toilet seat is a remarkable depiction of the Greek goddess Artemis, fated with such beauty that men would hide in trees to watch her bathe. Artemis, however, was not a priss. She was a badass. And when she was finished bathing, she put on her toga, adjusted whatever it was that Greek goddesses wore on their heads in those days, and, by a magical power, turned those sleazy men into deer. Then she proceeded to bow hunt each and every one of them. Ahhh, Greek mythology, you are so rad.


Debbie’s first toilet seat took longer. She went with the Greek theme for a while, but it wasn’t working out. Then she discovered gold spray paint and the backs of Mexican Art Calendars, which all of the Mexican restaurants either sell or give away. The final product has since been installed in her bathroom and has paved the way for the beginning of a series of romantic pensive women lacquered to toilet lids.



It is no secret that Kristin and Debbie would prefer to spend fruitful days trash-picking, painting toilet seats, or creating found art, instead of working 9-5 at a desk in an office somewhere. We’ve entertained this idea several times, envisioning a studio and a storefront, where we can both make and sell our creations. We thought we’d start off small. Maybe with the toilet seats. That said, we have been unsure of how to measure demand for our hand painted toilet seats.

Until recently.

A few weeks ago, our lovely and well-connected friend Pam put the word out that she was looking for art to be donated to a Youth Awards event sponsored by her work. Kristin and Debbie both agreed that a painted toilet seat seemed an appropriate donation and a worthwhile experiment. In any case, we would be able to see how it was received.

Kristin was busy crafting a monocle out of plastic and sewing a top hat and a tutu for her fellow Ironworkers organizers and researchers (more on that later), so Debbie took the toilet seat project. The problem is that by early March, most of the Mexican Art calendars have been given away or sold, and there remains only a small selection of pictures from which to choose. Debbie went on a mission, finally stumbling upon a few at Hotel Congress, where the price had been lowered to $3 from $7. She scored another pensive-looking woman picture for her developing series. And Baby Jesus.

“Do you think it’s too sacreligious to put Jesus on a toilet seat?” Debbie wondered aloud to Kristin. Seeing as how neither of us consider ourselves to be religious, and both of us grew up (in varying degrees) Unitarian, when pondering the question of whether or not it is somehow inappropriate to put Jesus on a toilet—even in the name of Art—we came up short. We decided that being too politically correct is boring. So Debbie gave it a whirl.

It was a hit. Sacreligious art is apparently “in”. Everyone wanted Baby Jesus sitting upright in the arms of Mary on their toilets. It was the most popular item at the auction, and according to Pam, a fierce bidding war ensued. In the end, Robby (the 1988 Prom King—if you’re lucky, we’ll post some pictures of this event, especially since we fashioned the construction paper photo backdrop) took the cake. Twenty-one dollars later, Robby was the proud owner of the Baby Jesus toilet seat.



You too can be the proud owner of a Baby Jesus toilet seat. Or any of the other ones we're currently working on (see photos below). You can see that Kristin has moved into anti-war messages, and we expect to introduce more "radical" toilet seats in the future. We also have some excellent old movie posters that will become very fashionable toilet seats. Also, feel free to commission us with your favorite poster or picture (if you provide the picture, we'll give you a discount, as finding pictures is sometimes a bit difficult).






We will, of course, continue posting pictures of our toilet seats in progress. Let us know if you want to buy one. We estimate prices to be between $25 and $30, depending on time and materials.

Love,

Kristin and Debbie